I'm back! Yeah, I've had a busy year (to say the least).
Those of you who were waiting for the chapter where Cyndi gets tied to a tree have probably beyond lost interest, but ... here is the segment! (Better late than never?)
The following three chapters may be the most ridiculous writing ever put to paper by anyone, ever. Don't say I didn't warn you!
(Since it's been so long -- and in case you don't feel like re-reading the last entry -- I should remind you that the previous chapter ended with Cyndi and Stacie suddenly in the midst of some prank war. This picks up from there...)
Ding-dong. I opened the door.
"Cynthia Wellman, how could you?!!"
Stacie Barnes stood on my front door, her face red, her nostrils flaring.
"What?" I asked innocently.
"Oh, don't you play innocent with me! A man came to my door with five boxes of chocolates and said that Cynthia Wellman ordered them!"
(So since Stacie's so mad her nostrils are flaring, I guess that means the chocolate-delivery man also made her pay for them? Why not just tell him he has the wrong house and send him back to Cyndi's? I wish my town had a chocolate-delivery man...)
"Well, you did it to me, so I did it to you."
(Cutting, Cyndi. I'm sure Markey's Chocolates appreciates the business!)
(Note, I think Stacie's catchphrase "hmmm!" is supposed to be more like Hmmph!)
I pretended to sigh. "Stacie, Stacie."
"You may not have liked the chocolates, but I'll bet you'll like something else."
I threw a cherry pie that my mother had bought in her face.
She slammed the door. I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. Stacia Ann Barnes was such a weirdo!
(Okay, where do I even begin? The cherry pie that just happened to be sitting there by the door? Who does Cyndi think she is, Betsy Sobak? Who throws a cherry pie in someone's face? Maybe Cyndi can look into clown school after Lisa and the Angels become has-beens?
Also, I hope Mrs. Wellman gives her a good spanking for wasting a whole pie. And how does Cyndi know Stacie's middle name?!
Speaking of Stacie -- I love how she just stands there after getting a pie thrown at her and slams Cyndi's door in her face. Oh, wait ... her revenge is coming up next!)
I put on a black mini-dress, a pair of black nylons, black flats, and a black bow. It sort of looked like an outfit that Stacie had.
(That's ... nice? ... and sort of creepy that Cyndi is now dressing like Stacie. Their outfit sounds very "Laine Cummings." Minus the bangle bracelet and squiggle pin.)
"Can I go outside?"
(I guess it's the next day?)
I grabbed my jean-jacket and walked outside. Good! Stacie was there!
I tiptoed over to her and knocked her down.
I pulled her hair.
Then I punched her back five times and hit her on the head. I picked her up by the hair and slapped her in the face. Then I picked up a handful of dirt and threw it in her face. I pushed her down.
"Serves you right!"
I ran inside.
(What the ...?!? What was that? I wasn't exactly a violent kid, so I really have no idea where the above came from! Maybe it was all the wrestling I watched back then?
I don't know, but I have to admit that, after all these years, I still can't read the words "punched her back five times" with a straight face. Hang on, it gets even better!)
"Cyndi, what was that yelling?" Mom asked.
The next day, I got dressed (what, no outfit for us?) and ran outside. It was Sunday, but there was no school tomorrow, for State Inservice Day.
I suddenly fell to the ground. Someone was tying my hands behind my back. I had a feeling I knew who it was.
"Stacie Ann Barnes, let go of me this instant!"
I knew it was her! She tied my feet together. The rope was too tight. I couldn't break out!
Stacie picked me up by the hair and the shirt. Boy, was she strong! She ran and ran and ran with me. Once, she dropped me and I scraped my hands. Finally, she stopped running.
(Oh, boy. An 11-year-old girl running through town, carrying another 11-year-old girl -- all tied up -- by the hair and shirt. With one hand, I assume. And to think, she only drops Cyndi one time. Can this be any stupider? We haven't even gotten to the tree part yet!)
I saw a sign that said: Closed. Owners on Vacation. We were at a park. One of those parks that looked like woods. I looked at the sign. It said: Woodland Park.
Stacie dragged me deep into the park. She threw me against a tree. Then she got out some rope.
She quickly tied me to the tree. Then she ran off.
No one heard me. "Help!!!"
Still, no one heard me. "HELP!!!!!!!"
It was no use. I sighed. I wondered how long I would be here. What would I eat? I don't (sic) want to be a little skinnybones like Carrie.
(Okay? Cyndi, you're frickin' tied to a tree in a deserted, wooded park. Never mind the "skinnybones", I think you should be more worried about becoming just bones!)
"Help! Someone, help!!!!!!"
(Oh, no, will Cyndi die?! I won't leave you in suspense -- here's the next chapter!)
I was bored. It was Tuesday ... I hadn't had anything to eat since Sunday morning. Carrie + Cyndi= Skeleton Twins. I laughed.
I wondered how Racquelle and Kathy were doing at their quietness. I wondered how lonely Lisa was.
(For a starving person on her third day tied to a tree, Cyndi's mind seems to be functioning awfully well...)
Hey! A berry patch! (How convenient!) Were they poisonous? I was a Girl Scout when I was six, seven, eight, and nine years old. Maybe I could remember if it was poisonous ... it wasn't!
I carefully turned my head around and grabbed some with my mouth. I felt weird. At least I had food.
Wait! Was that a stream? Yes! The water looked sort of dirty. But right by it, I saw a log. In it was a pipe ... with water!
I turned around, and somehow managed to turn it on with my chest. (Boobs to the rescue!) I drank a lot. Oh, how good it tasted! Except, I hope I wouldn't have to eat berries and water forever!
Well, I was in luck. I always got either nuts, grapes and water, berries and water, grapes and water, or nuts, berries and water.
(Yes, I'm sure Albany's state parks are flourishing with grapes and nuts...)
But one day, the food was all gone. I had eaten all of it. The water was the only thing there.
So I was going to be a skinnybones! I'd probably get something like anorexia (what?), and ... oh, it was just awful!
One day, I heard a rustle in the bushes.
A little girl appeared. "Hey! What are you doing tied to that tree in my daddy's and mommy's park?"
"Um ... someone tied me here. Please go get your mom and ... mommy and daddy."
(Oh, phew, Cyndi's been found. I know you were getting worried. And look, she's even still coherent enough to remember to call her little rescuer's mom "mommy.")
The girl ran off. A couple of minutes later, I saw a man with a mustache and beard, and a tall lady with stringy blonde hair.
"Little girl!" said the lady.
(Note, Stringy Hair's talking to Cyndi now, not her daughter.)
"How long have you been here?"
"Have you eaten anything? You look skinny as a stick!"
"I've eaten some nuts, berries, grapes, and water."
"Oh, little girl. Follow us." They walked to a big, four-story house.
(Who untied Cyndi?! Who apparently can walk just fine...)
"What is your number?" asked the lady.
The lady dialed my number.
"Hello ... My name is Lynn Baker ... I'm over at Woodland Park. Is your daughter missing? ... She's right here ... What's her name? ... Just a sec."
"Is your name Cyndi?"
"Her name is Cyndi ... What's your address? ... I'll drive her over ... okay, bye."
"Okay, Cyndi, we're going to drive you home right now."
(Yeah, no police or anything ... no missing person report ... it just keeps getting more realistic!)
Mr. and Mrs. Baker drove me home.
Dad gave me a big hug and kiss.
(Did he recoil from her smell? After two weeks without a bath, or a bathroom, I can only imagine ...)
"Your mom is ... in the hospital."
"In the hospital? Is she sick?"
"No, she's with ... your little sister, Emily Candace Wellman."
"My sister?! Oh, Dad!!!"
"Do you want to go visit her?"
"I wanna call some of my friends."
(?!? Of all the stupid reasons. Get some priorities, Cyndi!)
First I called Carrie. (Groan, not more one-sided phone calls.) "Hi, Carrie! It's Cyndi! ... I was gone for two weeks ... Tied to a tree ... Woodland Park ... Stacie ... Stacie Barnes ... I know ... My mom had a baby ... Yeah! ... It's a girl. Her name is Emily ... Emily Candace Wellman ... Beats me ... Bye."
I called Kathy.
"Hi, Kathy! It's me, Cyndi! ... Tied to a tree ... In Woodland Park ... Stacie Barnes ... A rich girl that lives next door to me ... My mom had her baby ... A girl ... Emily Candace Wellman ... I know! ... I don't know ... Okay ... Okay ... Bye."
Next, I called Racquelle. "Hi! It's me, Cyndi ... Hi, again! ... Tied to a tree in Woodland Park ... Stacie Barnes ... A rich girl next door to me ... I know ... My mom had her baby ... A girl! Her name is Emily Candace Wellman ... I know ... Okay ... Bye."
Finally, I called Lisa. "Hi, Lisa! It's Cyndi ... Tied to a tree ... In Woodland Park ... Stacie Barnes ... A girl ... You know ... My mom had her baby ... I know! ... A girl ... Emily ... Emily Candace Wellman ... Oh, I know! ... I'm going to see Mom and the baby ... Okay ... Bye."
(Ha, judging from those thrilling calls, not only do Cyndi's friends seem to be sharing one brain, they barely even noticed she was gone!)
(Ew ... let her take a bath at least, Mr. Wellman.)
We drove to Albany General Hospital. Then we took the elevator up to floor fourteen, the highest floor. We walked to room 14D. Dad opened the door. Mom was on the bed, but I couldn't see Emily.
Mom opened her eyes. "Dave. Cyndi!!!"
"Sshhh," said Dad.
"Oh, sweetie, I'm so glad to see you."
"Me, too," I said.
"Do you want to see Emily?"
I tiptoed over to Mom. In a white blanket was a tiny brown-haired baby with a red face.
"Oh, she's so cute," I said.
Dad and Mom started to talk. (Cyndi's own mother barely noticed she was gone!) I peeked inside a cabinet. Books and paper were there.
"Can I draw something?" I asked.
Dad nodded. I drew a picture of a rainbow with birds and clouds.
(Yes, I actually drew this; tragically, I can't scan it.)
Then I thought for awhile. I wondered how it would be if I were friends with Stacie. I decided to write a very short story and draw a picture.
Once a girl named Cyndi had five friends. Racquelle, Kathy, Lisa, Carrie, and Blackey. One day, a girl named Stacie joined their group. They called it Us. The end.
(That's it?! Lame, Cyndi. Though, it was nice of her to include her dog in her quote-unquote story. There's an accompanying picture, by the way ... also "sadly" non-scannable.)
"Cyndi, we're going home," said Dad.
"Just one second. When are you and Emily coming home, Mom?"
Dad and I drove home. I wondered what it would be like if Stacie did join our group. Racquelle, Stacie, Kathy, Lisa, Cyndi, Carrie. (So much for Blackey...) They sounded good together. Us. That sounded good, too.
I decided making friends with Stacia Ann Barnes was a wonderful idea.
(Yeah, if someone tied me up and left me for dead in a deserted park, I suppose I might try to get on their good side, too. You know what they say, keep your friends close...!)
I decided to wear a Stacie-like outfit. I put on the outfit I wore when I first met Stacie. (Some black dress again.) Then I ran downstairs and ate breakfast.
"Cyndi, we've got to go right now!"
I stood up. Dad looked at me.
"Boy, you look nice. You always do." The he sighed. "My favorite older daughter is growing up."
I giggled. Then we drove to the hospital. I was sure glad to be home!
We were at home now, Mom on the couch holding Emily, Dad right next to her, me on the floor.
"Now, tell me," said Mom. "How did you get to Woodland Park without finding a way out for two weeks?"
"Well, you know Stacie?" Mom and Dad nodded. "I was enemies with her then, but now I want to make friends with her. Anyway, she picked me up ... wait, she tied my hands and legs together, and dragged me to Woodland. Then she tied me to a tree. I survived by sneaking nuts, berries, and grapes. And water."
Mom and Dad both hugged me.
We all laughed while Mom took care of Emily.
(How nice and cozy, but shouldn't they be, I don't know, calling the police on Stacie? Or packing up and running like &%$# before Stacie pulls her next psychotic stunt?)
"Can I go outside?"
(Well, maybe they want Stacie to kill Cyndi!)
I walked outside. Shelley and Sheena were out.
(A three-year-old and a two-year-old? Concerned parents abound in this neighborhood...)
"Doggy-girl!" said Sheena.
"Listen, could you please get your sister Stacie?"
"Okay," said Shelley. She ran inside.
Pretty soon, Stacie was outside. She was wearing a glittery pink dress.
(A reminder that Lisa and the Angels started out as Barbie dolls ... whichever one was Stacie had a "glittery" pink gown.)
"Um, hi!" I said.
"What do you want?"
"I'm sorry about all of the things I did." I grinned. "Can we be friends?"
"No," Stacie said matter-of-factly.
I sighed. "Why not?"
"You're not sorry. Everybody says that, but they never mean it. Why should I believe you?"
(Poor, suddenly-angsty Stacie!)
"Why not?" I said. "I really and truly am sorry."
"You could go on and keep saying that, because I'm never going to believe you and never ever are going to be friends with you."
I sighed again. "Why?!"
"Because isn't an answer, Stacie."
"I don't care, Ms. Goody-Goody Two Shoes!"
"I am not a Goody-Goody Two Shoes!"
"Yes, you are!"
"Fine, you little snob, why would I want to be friends with you, anyway!"
Stacie yanked my hair (!!!) and wouldn't let go until she suddenly fell to the ground.
Stacie was about to run into her house, but instead ran smack into Kathy, the one who knocked her down.
"Whoever you are, don't knock me down again!" She ran inside.
Kathy and I laughed and laughed. "Thanks, Kath," I said.
"Hey, no prob!"
"Was that Stacie Barnes?"
"Oh, she's awful! Just awful!"
"What was she doing?"
"I was just trying to make friends with her, and she grabbed my hair."
Kathy made a face. (Kathy sounds very cool.) I laughed again.
"Well, I'm going to some relatives not far away, so bye."
"Bye," I said.
I laughed again. (Quit with the crazy laughing, Cyndi...) Then I thought for awhile. Last year, Kathy wasn't friends with me at all. Then she wasn't extra-friendly, but she was nice. Now we're super friends.
I'm so glad I have friends like Kathy. I mean, my friends are so nice. Much better than Stacie. Man, an idea like having Stacie for a friend was so stupid! So, so stupid!
And that does it for this round. Speaking of "so, so stupid" -- coming up next: Cyndi calls the police on Josephine! And hops a boxcar!